Monday, May 4, 2009

James Gandolfini: Big Man Gabagool

There are two activities of which I never tire and one of them is watching "The Sopranos."

James Gandolfini gets a mixed-bag of reactions from my friends.   Some, who are self-confessed "chubby chasers", think that ol' Jimmy G is pretty much ALL manwich.  Others, who aren't able to see past the gleaming dome, pug nose, Jersey-honk, gold rings and considerable girth, tend to wonder why on earth I have such a crush on the man.  Well, here's what people, here's what!

Mista' Gandolfini's portrayal of his most famous character, Tony Soprano, is nothing short of fuckingbrilliant.  He never fails in this role and the entire cast is of the same caliber.  Now, I have to admit that my exposure to Gandolfini's other work has been scant.  I did watch "True Romance" and although Jimmy is ripe and fine and hot in his early 30's, I just cannot get past that "scene."  You know, the one where he practically beats Patricia Arquette to death in the shower and slices Dennis Hopper's palm open with a butcher knife, then pours gasoline into it. 

And I am not attracted to sociopaths unless they look like a young Robert DeNiro or  Al Pacino, circa Godfather II.
Anygoombah, I find James to be at his sexiest when portraying Soprano.  He is, to quote his long-suffering wife Carmella "bigger 'dan life!"  Here is a man who is now the de-facto boss of the thriving Jersey crime family who whores it up like it's his last day on earth, eats massive amounts of meat of a dubious nature and can kill a man with piano wire.  And damn, can he barbeque!

When he acts on behalf of someone other than himself, his character is quite sweet and lovely. He really does adore his children, even though he cheats on their mother at every turn.  And he loves his wife, Carmella.  He really, really does.  But yes, he DID fuck that tittydancer down at the 'Bing earlier inna' day.  

What I find endearing is that he is physically there for his kids.  He attends parent-teacher conferences and baptisms and first communions.  He's back there talkin' business with Pauly Walnuts, but hey, at least he showed up.  Yeah, he blows his stack at his son, but quite frankly, that kid deserves to be bitch-slapped at least once per episode. Tony must do all he can to prevent his son A.J. from becoming Fredo Corleone. But make no mistake-  Tony would KILL to protect his family.

If you are on his good side, you get to see that he has kind eyes which twinkle with tinges of green when he smiles and grunts out a few bouts of laughter.  He's a big man, a man with whom you would feel safe at all times, regardless of the foe. I don't care if you put him up against Dracula at the midnight hour- Tony fucking Soprano would kill him.  Plus, he's always covered in gold crucifixes, so we'd be all right.  

It's fun to fantasize about having a man that you see occasionally, and he's dangerous and fun and wears fine, corinthian leatha', fucks like a babboon and then tosses stolen pieces of fine jewelry at your cleavage.  Plus, he could beat up anyone that pissed you off, so the neighbors wouldn't fuck with you. Even the roughest of hoodlums would shit their pants if they saw Tony comin' at them with a tire iron.  

Of course, it's the myth- in the show, Tony seems invincible, the ultimate guido superman who has escaped death many a time with only a few close calls. And that's why they call it fantasy, folks!

He is so desirable because he's strong, powerful, swift, dangerous, notorious and sexy. Trust me, women LOVE this.  It has to do with our ovaries or something or the other. (The same place that makes us want to eat half a pound of funsize snicker bars.) We want a PROVIDER who is masculine because it means good genes for the hundreds and hundreds of babies we want to have with this man. Don't blame me, blame science.

And it doesn't hurt that he's got a wonderful smile, manly hands, nice legs and looks great in a white bathrobe.  Add all a' dis up and you gots  James Gandolfini.

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