Thursday, May 14, 2009

Hot Messes: A Compendium of Poorly Dressed Celebrities

Paulina Porizkova...Is that you?  Really?!  Jesus, I cannot believe it.  That color... it makes me think of orange sherbet floating in a punch bowl at some church basement function.  Wow, that's a whole lotta' tangerine for one outfit.  God damn it!  It's floor length and bell-sleeved and pretty high up on the neckline, as well. So what accessories does one wear with this fuckery?  Why, bright orange beads, of course! And a gold bag!  I gotta' look away, I'm feeling really ringy right now....And nauseated.

Ma-fucking-donna.  I  know, you're like, Ms. Trendsetter, or at least, you used to be. Don't get me wrong, I think it's fantastic that you are 50 years old and still have a thriving career and all that, but quite honestly, you look like the Great God Pan in this outfit. All you need is a goddamned flute.

Poor, poor crazy-eyes Ryder.  It looks like she bought this dress for an event and then had a Liza Minelli-esque breakdown and took the scissors to it.  Somewheres between a few cocktails and a handful o' goofballs, she must have regretted slashing the dress and decided to perform some makeshift repairs by applying black felt with hot glue to patch up the holes. She appears to be thinking: "Just smile and smile and smile nonstop and no one will notice the dress!"

Leighton Meester dons the "pick me up and ring me, I'm a bell!" ensemble that is sweeping young H-Wood these days.  Oh, and it's still all about the leggings. Still! Apparently, it's now okay to wear them in the bright and swirling colors that one would see on an acid trip in Morocco.  In ten years, she is going to burn every photo she can find of her wearing this outfit and will cry real tears when it's used over and over again as a "Classic Fashion Don't!"

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Pete Townsend: Wind it up. Smash it up. Tear it up. Jump around. Do whatever the F*CK you want, Pete!

Pete Townsend is one of those rare and exquisite types of men who can don super-TIGHT, white trousers and jumpsuits and pull it off well. VERY well.   Townsend, who was voted "50th Greatest Guitarist of all Time" by Rolling Stone Magazine, was also the primary songwriter and co-lead singer for the Who.  His energetic, "wind it up" style of guitar playing added a dollop of sexiness to his performances and set him apart from other guitarists of 1960's Britain.

Watching footage of Pete playing live at Woodstock or the Stones' Rock and Roll Circus is quite an electrifying experience.  He is tall and very lean with a generous mop of curly-esque hair, giant blue eyes and a smile that could instantly melt a bag o' frozen burritos.  He sings very well and plays the death out of the guitar that is most likely going to be smashed to bits or shoved into an amplifier before the night is through.  

Just watch him!  He jumps up very high--- first to the left, (massive guitar riff while in midair) now, to the right (another riff) and then he is spread eagle, high over the stage, jumping into an impressive split while (you guessed it) delivering yet another perfect riff.  

Let me also mention his nose.  Dear God, he has the nose-to-end-all-noses.  Check out the photo that showcases his impressive profile and you'll see what I mean.  I'd like to kiss his nose, send his nose roses, sculpt his nose out of clay, write a dissertation about his nose and on and on. 

And if you don't get why his profile is so attractive, then you must be one of those annoying Roger Daltry fans.  Daltry is fine, I guess, if you're into that whole "wooly-headed caveman who likes to wear lots of fringe" look.  Personally, I love Pete Townsend and Keith Moon the best, as they were the most talented and outrageous members of the band.  And John Entwistle?  Well, God rest his soul.  He was neither here nor there for me.

Today, Pete donates both his time and money to various causes, such as children's charities, Amnesty International and drug rehabilitation facilities and it's nice to know that there is a good man behind that impressive nose.

Feel good and check out the attached pics of sweet Pete T.

The Worst, Part Two: (Very) Guilty, Shameful Pleasures.

John Mayer- "He's the douchiest!!"

Dear John Mayer:

Oh, John Mayer.  You're so handsome and talented and I have tried, tried, TRIED to like you as a person, I really have.  You make it so hard for me to do so, what with all of this "circuit dating" bullshit you have going on.  Okay, I understand, you're a young and stappy lad and there's the whole "Naked Ape" theory that basically says you are conditioned to go after the fittest of the females, but bitch, why do you have to Twitter about it?!  

Seriously.  Okay, we know, you dumped Jessica Simpson and not the other way around and you want the world to know that.  O-kaaay.  Pretty douchey, John.  But that's not even the tip of the iceberg-- not only did you let everyone know that you dumped her, but you then proceeded to tell us all how she is still in love with you and you aren't with her and to leave you alone and blah de blah blah.

Fast-forward to Jennifer Aniston.  You did the same fucking thing to her, dude.  Why are you Twittering about it AGAIN?  I think you actually enjoy squiring these recently-dumped or desperate women around H-Wood because it gives you a whole lotta' press coverage and another opportunity to show the public what a stud bull you are.  Personally, I don't see why these women don't just have an affair with you and then leave after a few days or so, refreshed from a tropical vacation, a couple of free meals and plenty of PDA and just chalk it up to a one-time experience, or twice if you're extra lonely. 

You would be infinitely more attractive if you stopped trying to whore yourself out to the media and focused more on trying to write a decent song.  You're an incredible guitarist, I admit, but your songs really suck.  I am very, very sorry to be so bold, Mr. Mayer, but I really had to get that one off of my chest. 

I bet if you spent as much time trying to further your career and less time chasin' the muff around, people would start taking you more seriously as a performer.  And for God's sake, get rid of your fucking Twitter account. Really, boys who kiss and tell are not popular with any kind of decent woman.  That cock of the walk attitude gets old real fast with women over the age of 23.

Well, thank you for reading this letter, Mr. Mayer, as I am sure that you are quite busy breaking up with and getting back together again with Jen Aniston.  I hope you decide to take my advice and that in the future, you write something really meaningful and lovely.  If you want to come over to my house, I can play some music for you that you might like.  And then maybe you'd, well, you know, develop a singing voice that isn't so fucking breathy and a little bit more masculine? 

And hey, don't be bummed out about the constructive criticism.  You've got a lot going for you, really.  You're pretty goddamned good lookin' and I am liking the muscles and even the slightly lame tattoos.  A few good squat thrusts and you'll be looking at having a finer ass, too.


Missy D.

PS-Send me some photos of you in the shower or something if you have the time.  Maybe Jennifer Aniston could take them?  Lemme' know.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

For the Guys: Classic Cheesecake, Starring Donna Reed

A few of my friends have asked me to try and venture out of "male territory" and do a nice little write-up from time to time about beautiful women of the world.  I think it's a marvelous idea, if it doesn't include women such as Megan Fox or porn stars.  If this is what you're after, then I suggest you quit being such a cheapass and break out the plastic and find some site that satisfies your raging libido.

At any rate, this is the first installment of my Cheesecake feature.  Enjoy!  

Lovely Donna Reed is best known for the long-running, tedious television program, "The Donna Reed Show," in which she played the ultimate, wholesome housewife.  Her character, Donna Stone, was coiffed with a stiff 'do that was most likely achieved by the use of soupcan rollers and plenty of Aqua Net and she donned mostly housedresses which remained immaculate, regardless of her daily housekeeping.  The show sapped Reed of her natural beauty and made her look both matronly and old beyond her years.  And as one can surmise by reviewing the attached photos, Reed was quite a stunning woman.

Prior to her television series, Donna Reed broke out of her nice gal roles and sunk her teeth into the character Alma "Lorene" Burke, the red-hot prosty in From Here to Eternity.  She played the mistress to Montgomery Clift's toubled bad boy so well, that she was awarded the Best Supporting Actress Oscar in 1954.

Perhaps her sweetest and most beloved role was as Jimmy Stewart's gorgeous wife Mary Bailey, in "It's A Wonderful Life."  There is a splendid scene that stays within my memory of George and Mary falling in love.  Standing close together while she talks on the phone, the situation becomes very, very tense and they gaze into one another's eyes and try to keep their passion under wraps.  A friend of mine asserts that by the look on George's face, Mary is holding more than the damned telephone!  I, however, refuse to believe that Mary would be delivering hand jobs in a Christmas movie, but hey, that's men for ya'. 

Please enjoy the photos from my first Cheesecake installment.

(This one goes out to Roger. )


Saturday, May 9, 2009

Jean-Paul Belmondo: Super Hot King of the French New Wave

Jean-Paul Belmondo, French-born son of a Sicilian sculptor, was the veritable "Roi" of 1960's New Wave Cinema.  After being cast as the broody, dangerous and unbearably sexy criminal in Jean-Luc Godard's "Breathless", Jean-Paul's career took off in 1960 and he remained a leading man in French cinema well into the 1980's.  

I was first exposed to Belmondo's smoldering screen persona when I watched the Sophia Loren film, "The Women." Belmondo plays a bespectabled, young intellect hiding out with his family in the hills of Italy as the last days of World War II and the Nazi occupation rage on. Sophia can barely contain her attraction to him and they enjoy a passionate romp on a grassy hill only to be interrupted by Nazi Soldiers, who assassinate him for his non-fascista agenda. 

Even though his part in "The Women" was small, it was indeed very memorable, especially for a gal whose dream man is a sensitive but masculine artista who looks like a hot middle-weight boxer in Clark Kent glasses!  It's a powerful punch, I know it.

It was after I popped an Ativan and took a long bubblebath that a nice thought occurred to me. I tossed around the idea that perhaps by the time I am 45, I should  sell all my shit, move to Italy, rent some haunted, 500-year old castle that is covered in bouganvilla and write the Second- or-Third Greatest American Novel.   

And at this castle there works a young man, a poor local boy who taught himself to read and write and is very, very moody.  He is also always shirtless, as he tends to the olive groves and gardens that grace my view from the bedroom of the castle.  He looks exactly like Belmondo, dons glasses and has a gorgeous "wop mop" of hair that is forever mussy.  On his meal periods, he sits in a shady corner of the barn, breaking a loaf of bread and dipping it into olive oil as he reads Kant.  

After his work is done, he utilizes the outdoor shower, which happens to be within viewing distance from my kitchen, if I stand on a box and lean over to the left... Perhaps he will need his cigarette lit.  He always has a cigarette resting on his bottom lip and smokes it without using his hands.  Maybe he does need a light, or some soap, perhaps...

I think I'll venture on out there with a towel...

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Jack White is White Hot

White Stripes, Racontuers and Dead Weather frontman Jack White is thee mac daddy of musicians.  In addition to being one of the most skilled and talented guitarists on the planet, he also plays the drums, piano, mandolin, hammond organ, tambourine AND marimba!  His rock and roll roots are deeply entrenched in Southern Blues and 60's rock.  He has collaborated with Beck, The Rolling Stones, Bob Dylan and Loretta Lynn.  I own every White Stripe  and Racontuers album and they are for the most part, awesome from start to finish. 

I did not purchase the single he released with the very tedious Alicia Keys, however.  All I wanna' know is "WHY?!"  

Anywhoodle, the man has skills and was fortunate to be blessed with a very fit torso that looks like a stack o' dimes in his tight red, white or black tee shirt.  Have you seen his forearms? Jack White has a BODY, people and yes, once again it's hidden beneath a freaky exterior but I must urge you to get past that.  Yes, I know, Jack White's wardrobe would never fit the 9 to 5 set, but who fucking cares?  He is a perfect example of a man who CAN mock a bit of Jagger's and Richard's outrageous style and make it all his own.  The result is mind-blowingly sexy.

Have you seen this man play guitar?!  Christ, it's like receiving repeated electric shocks to the chocha, it's that amazing.  I get the chills when I watch the man perform.  Did I mention that he sings?  His voice is incredible, with a range that will surprise you- he has his own style of singing- grainy, slightly whiny but he hits the notes just right.  It's butter melting down a hot corn -on -the- cob- on- a -stick on a summer, southern night at the fair.  

And yes, his wardrobe is "off da' chain."  He went through a "Bolero" sort of stage a few years back, and his studded suits and tiny stache really got me all shook up.  And his muttonchop phase was just gorgeous- nothing like a hot guitar player who has a fine set of 'chops. Mmm!

Jack is no weakling, either- he did kick the shit out of that guy from the Von Bondies for God knows what.  Not that his behavior was acceptable or sexy, but what lass doesn't get a little tickleweenie from the idea of seeing a hot guy kick some ass in a bar fight?  Let's stop before I start talking about my ovaries again, cuz this is right where I'm headed.

Please enjoy the  above pics of the sexy seventh son.