John Mayer- "He's the douchiest!!"
Dear John Mayer:
Oh, John Mayer. You're so handsome and talented and I have tried, tried, TRIED to like you as a person, I really have. You make it so hard for me to do so, what with all of this "circuit dating" bullshit you have going on. Okay, I understand, you're a young and stappy lad and there's the whole "Naked Ape" theory that basically says you are conditioned to go after the fittest of the females, but bitch, why do you have to Twitter about it?!
Seriously. Okay, we know, you dumped Jessica Simpson and not the other way around and you want the world to know that. O-kaaay. Pretty douchey, John. But that's not even the tip of the iceberg-- not only did you let everyone know that you dumped her, but you then proceeded to tell us all how she is still in love with you and you aren't with her and to leave you alone and blah de blah blah.
Fast-forward to Jennifer Aniston. You did the same fucking thing to her, dude. Why are you Twittering about it AGAIN? I think you actually enjoy squiring these recently-dumped or desperate women around H-Wood because it gives you a whole lotta' press coverage and another opportunity to show the public what a stud bull you are. Personally, I don't see why these women don't just have an affair with you and then leave after a few days or so, refreshed from a tropical vacation, a couple of free meals and plenty of PDA and just chalk it up to a one-time experience, or twice if you're extra lonely.
You would be infinitely more attractive if you stopped trying to whore yourself out to the media and focused more on trying to write a decent song. You're an incredible guitarist, I admit, but your songs really suck. I am very, very sorry to be so bold, Mr. Mayer, but I really had to get that one off of my chest.
I bet if you spent as much time trying to further your career and less time chasin' the muff around, people would start taking you more seriously as a performer. And for God's sake, get rid of your fucking Twitter account. Really, boys who kiss and tell are not popular with any kind of decent woman. That cock of the walk attitude gets old real fast with women over the age of 23.
Well, thank you for reading this letter, Mr. Mayer, as I am sure that you are quite busy breaking up with and getting back together again with Jen Aniston. I hope you decide to take my advice and that in the future, you write something really meaningful and lovely. If you want to come over to my house, I can play some music for you that you might like. And then maybe you'd, well, you know, develop a singing voice that isn't so fucking breathy and a little bit more masculine?
And hey, don't be bummed out about the constructive criticism. You've got a lot going for you, really. You're pretty goddamned good lookin' and I am liking the muscles and even the slightly lame tattoos. A few good squat thrusts and you'll be looking at having a finer ass, too.
PS-Send me some photos of you in the shower or something if you have the time. Maybe Jennifer Aniston could take them? Lemme' know.