Thursday, May 14, 2009

Hot Messes: A Compendium of Poorly Dressed Celebrities

Paulina Porizkova...Is that you?  Really?!  Jesus, I cannot believe it.  That color... it makes me think of orange sherbet floating in a punch bowl at some church basement function.  Wow, that's a whole lotta' tangerine for one outfit.  God damn it!  It's floor length and bell-sleeved and pretty high up on the neckline, as well. So what accessories does one wear with this fuckery?  Why, bright orange beads, of course! And a gold bag!  I gotta' look away, I'm feeling really ringy right now....And nauseated.

Ma-fucking-donna.  I  know, you're like, Ms. Trendsetter, or at least, you used to be. Don't get me wrong, I think it's fantastic that you are 50 years old and still have a thriving career and all that, but quite honestly, you look like the Great God Pan in this outfit. All you need is a goddamned flute.

Poor, poor crazy-eyes Ryder.  It looks like she bought this dress for an event and then had a Liza Minelli-esque breakdown and took the scissors to it.  Somewheres between a few cocktails and a handful o' goofballs, she must have regretted slashing the dress and decided to perform some makeshift repairs by applying black felt with hot glue to patch up the holes. She appears to be thinking: "Just smile and smile and smile nonstop and no one will notice the dress!"

Leighton Meester dons the "pick me up and ring me, I'm a bell!" ensemble that is sweeping young H-Wood these days.  Oh, and it's still all about the leggings. Still! Apparently, it's now okay to wear them in the bright and swirling colors that one would see on an acid trip in Morocco.  In ten years, she is going to burn every photo she can find of her wearing this outfit and will cry real tears when it's used over and over again as a "Classic Fashion Don't!"

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